Phillip Phillips needs to STFU.

I’m sitting here at Strange Brew  writing a post about how bad iTunes rips musicians off so I’m a little uptight to say the least. Then this song just came on the overhead speakers. There is some terrible shit being played right now. WTF SB? You are the epicenter of great Austin music I’m disappointed. This channel is the total pop garbage I’d expect to be playing simultaneously in every single CVS and Walgreen’s at once .

I haven’t hated a song so bad since first hearing Mumford and Sons for the first time. They still owe me a car stereo as far as I’m concerned. My immediate reaction was to punch it until it stopped. This Raging Fire “song” gives me the anxious, angry feeling I get when subjected to New-Country music.

I know nothing about this Phillip Phillips guy except that he has an exceptionally cool name. I’ve never heard of him before (I Googled the “lyrics”) but he needs to Shut the Fuck Up. We don’t need any more one-dimensional substance-less songs about the vague feelings 13-16 year old get. Man just stop.

If you think this is a good song we can no longer be friends.

http://youtu.be/_zPV6hKKUV8

Stop Lights Need Paintball Machine Guns

Here’s a scenario:
You are parked in a line of cars at a stop light. The light turns green and the car in front of you doesn’t move. Horns honk, the sleeping driver catches on last second, busts through the remaining yellow light and you, and the line of cars you’re in, get to sit through the long-ass red light. Again.

Sound familiar? You know it does. Now that everyone has a cell phone this type of thing happens all the time.

Remedy?
Paint-Ball Machine-Guns attached to all stop-lights.
If the light goes green and you don’t go. Bam. Your car instantly looks like a layer cake that was just taken for a ride in a G-force chamber.
What if you drive a convertible? Well too fucking bad. Your face and head gets pelted and maybe you die from a paintball hitting your brain via your eye-socket. Tough shit. Pay attention.

I don’t know if paintball guns that work like machine guns even exist but they need to. For this idea. Here’s my expert photoshop rendering of what these new lights might like like.

paintballgunstoplight

 

Replace Shitty Bartenders with Vending Machines

Going out on the town for simple pleasure of having a few drinks and seeing old friends tends to be a rare thing in my world. Yes, I’m in bars a lot as I’m usually playing music through some of the week and the weekend nights. It’s kinda my job, if you can call playing in a band a job, but it’s really not the same thing.

When I do get a night out I’ve learned to appreciate it,  I try my best to enjoy it and take in the presence of the people around me. Let’s face it, that last thing anyone wants to be doing when you get a night out is to stand in line the whole time while being treated like an asshole. More than usual I have found myself at the mercy of some cocky piece of shit bartender who is terrible at what they do. I’m beginning to think it’s becoming an epidemic. Portland nightlife used to be so cool, everyone was so chill. If I wanted to live in Boston I’d move there. What happened? Is the god complex, which is usually exclusive to the butt-chin bouncers, starting to wear off on our beloved mixologists?

Am I the only one noticing this trend for the worse?

The following is a note I wrote after a recent evening out gone bad.  Feel free to print the main paragraph it onto little cards to leave at bars that are manned by inept bartending staff: Be proactive… they need to know.


Trust me, this isn’t all negative. You know a good bartender when you see them right? I’m not talking useless Tom Cruise cup flipping bullshit. These wonderful people are pouring four drinks at once, taking orders, serving beverages all the while carrying on 12 different thoughtful conversations.  These people tend to be pretty easy to spot because there usually isn’t a line of 50 people deep blocking your view to them.  I know so many from right here in Portland and I love them all. I consider these people artists and they should be commended and tipped well.

Here’s four basic rules to being a great bartender from what I understand:

When someone walks up to the bar…
1.) Ask them what they want.
2.) Honor request.
3.) Take their money.
4.) Repeat as many times as necessary

Seems pretty simple to me.

To be fair, I myself have never actually bartended, I did however work in a very fast paced and busy restaurant for a few years as a waiter and there was really one rule after you get by the details.

Keep the customers happy, never leave them wanting.

(Unless they are blatant assholes – then make them wait a little longer…)

Seems to me this principal could soundly be applied to the field of drink slinging.

Here’s is a basic list of rules to follow if you want to be a piece of shit bartender that everyone hates and you don’t like making tip money.

1.)  Act like you are beyond awesome.
2.)  Treat everyone that approaches the bar like they are bothering you.
3.)  Ignore each new patron for at least 5 minutes then give them that, “What the fuck do you want?” look.
4.)  Pay no attention to what order people arrive at the bar, lines are stupid.
5.)  Do ONLY one thing at a time especially when very busy. Actually when it’s really busy go slower this way the amount of people at the bar builds up and they can bask in your awesomeness.
6.) If you have any friends, text them when the line gets too long and hard to deal with or just leave and go into the kitchen for awhile.

My point is that some people are just not cut out for this type of work and some are made for it. If you are one of the former or just hate working behind a bar please quit and get a desk job or something far away from us merry makers… or  lobby your boss to allow alcohol vending machines because we don’t want to deal with you either.

Lastly here’s a missed connection I felt compelled to post on Craigslist. It was inspired by a little gem of a barkeep, who made my last night off so delightful…

CHEERS!!!